the worst smell on earth

Dear Secret Kitty:

I don't know if you know this, but that's your name. We named you after you ran into our house the first time we opened the front door on that hot summer night a year ago today. We decided you would be our kitty and you would have to be secret since there are no pets allowed in our place.

Then we lost all romantic ideas of adopting you, Secret Kitty, when we realized that not only did you actually have some place to live other than our front room, but that I'm allergic to cats, and the idea of a litter box in the same place that I live makes me gag.

Despite these facts, we loved anyway. You're a spunky kid. You look as if you've lived under dripping oil pans and in dusty crawl spaces.

You are a scrapper.

I'm writing this, kissing your little ass, in hopes that you're not the one who peed in my running shoes that I left out on the porch.

I left them in that small space between the front door and that mini wall that separates our porch from the neighbors. I know that either you, or one of your rebel street thug buddies that roam the streets at 5:30 PM when you're let out of the house, peed in that space before.

Our phone books that called that corner home for a couple of weeks after they were delivered got a heavy shot of your toxin. Thankfully we rely on the internet like normal people and had no use for old fashioned book things.

So yes, I now realize that I left my shoes in the place that you kids like to claim as your own, but that was a seriously shitty thing to do. Could you not mark a place that really matters? Like on top of the old garage where you guys like to bird watch? Or under the camellia where you like to poop?

And why WHY has your pee stench not evolved to not melt and destroy every thing it touches? You and your five little buddies live in houses with kids and teenagers and stoners and hippies and accountants. I'm sure there are things to mark in and around your own house to show everyone who's boss. You are! I get it!

Just answer me this: Why my pretty orange running shoes?

I must go soak them for a second time in Super Duper Smelly Oxi Lilac Detergent, but I will leave you with this: If'n I find out it was you, I will be peeing in your little snuggly bed in your hippy owner's house. Watch your back, Secret Kitty.

Regretfully,

Orange Running Shoe Lady

Comments

[carolyn (girlreaction)]

oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. i hope the stench comes out!!

[ms. teso]

roar!

[jenene]

hilarious! and also terrible.
it was definitely not the kitty.

portland seemed FULL of cats. they own that town.

[DeeJay]

You're a scrapper.

tee hee

[dejvicka]

bad kitteh

but excellent story telling. =)

[Orrin]

Simple Solution is your friend! Take it from someone who has had cats pee in all kinds of personal places.