Spring Is Mean To Me

Today I am a two year old child. I can't remember the last time I was so restless and irratible. Today, my bra annoyed me. I'm so bitchy that the underwire which on any other day would rest comfortably under my teets actually generated anger from deep within my soul.

And I woke up this way. When I was falling asleep, the crankiness was on the verge of emerging. I was hoping eleven hours of sleep would soften the toddler within, but I woke up with my head congested and my attitude full of piss and mucous.

I have Spring in Portland to blame. Beautiful daffodils, bursting cherry blossoms, unfolding magnolias and sprouting cedar put a cork into whatever good mood I could have been in today.

What I'm trying to say is I feel like total shit. Did you pick up on that?

I was raised with Chlor-Trimaton liquid [yellow flavor] flowing through my veins. Hayfever and general allergies being the Suckow burdon to bear. That along with bad eyesight, sarcasm and impatience. Our people should have died off long ago in the chain of evolution. We are a miracle in Darwin's book. He really should have written a book about The Suckows. You snooze you lose, Chuck.

My father warned me about Portland. Mainly about the unrelenting mist, but also about how bad springtime in the Northwest is not for our people. He was raised here for the first part of his young life and, alongside his multiple visits to the hosptial for asthma attacks,  he remembers as a grade schooler taking the Broadway Bridge bus over to downtown to get his allergy shots. He did this for about four years and now has a deep seated fear of anything hospital related, not to mention a strong aversion to public transportation.

Both my pops and my mom passed along this genetic defect onto their four children and two grandchildren. About half have gone for the allergy shots and half of those swear by them. I don't know about those odds. Well, shit, what I should say is that with my insurance those aren't good odds.

I grew up believing that sneezing, puffy eyes and constant exhaustion during half of the year were the norm. Some of my school photos can prove this. They should really take school photos in December.

When I moved from my birth town of San Jose (ranked 49 in the most allergic US cities to live in) to Los Angeles (# 50), I was living off of Taco Bell's 69¢ menu and homemade margarhitas with nothing left over for health care. If Planned Parenthood could start treating other things then my hooha that would would have been really helpful. I may start a petition.

So without insurance and prone to sinus infections, I ended up in the ER with a sinus induced migraine and a student doctor trying to convince me that a spinal tap was necessary. 

In the ten following years in Los Angeles, my body and the City of Angels sort of got along. They learned to live with each other without totally destroying me. Thank you very much. But it was about a year ago that my previous eleven years of bitching about Los Angeles (which you must do if you have grown up in Northern California and have moved to Southern California. Northern Californias, it turns out, are snobs. Who knew?) had finally forced me either shut up and make good on my promise to get the hell out of hell.

Russ and I were wavering between Seattle and Portland, but after landing at PDX and using the eco-friendly toilets  (pull handle up for pee and push handle down for pooh), Russ came out of the restroom and said, "I love it here." And he could give a shit about the environment, that's how poweful those toilets are.

Russ quit his job and I convinced mine to give me at least three months to see if working from afar would work. Four months into, it was obvious it wouldn't. Fuck.

But that's an entirely other story which is filled with fun facts on how to survive without a job in a state that is number three in unemployement. Oregon, you need to try harder if you want to be number one.

We love Portland (ranked 45th on America's Allergy Capitals). But, fuck, this Spring may turn all that "I love Portland" shit I've been spouting for the past 8 months into vinegar.

Damn you, Portland.

But damn you, Los Angeles.

And seriously, damn you, San Jose.

Thankfully, I will never, ever have the urge to move to Louisville, Kentucky (#1).